You
by itslivinginallofus
Summary: AshleyxEllie, ElliexAshley. My first Degrassi story after I mistook Ashley and Ellie for a couple in season 2, haha. The sequel is posted. Title and italicized passage belong to Evanescence. Please review as you feel compelled, just don't gay bash, k? Thx
1. A New Connection

_**"You" - Chapter 1 - "A New Connection"**_

Ellie sighed as she hung up her cell phone and relaxed her head back onto Ashley's pillow. She briefly looked at the ceiling, then at Ashley, who was laying on her stomach next to her and appeared to be studying her. Ellie liked the feeling of Ashley's eyes always being on her, and the girls' gazes finally met -Ashley's icy blue against Ellie's deep, shiny brown. 

This had been the seventh consecutive weekend that Ashley and Ellie had spent together at the Kerwin-Isaac's household. Both girls had experienced a lot of emotional distress after their break-ups with former boyfriends Craig and Sean, but they were soon reminded of the reason they became best friends in the first place when they started channeling the time they had spent with their boyfriends and their friends back with each other. Unlike what they had expected, nothing had to be forced into place despite a large gap in their friendship. Everything came together like no time had passed, except it seemed to even reach a deeper level. Ashley realized the depth at which their relationship was growing when it became more difficult each time she had to say good bye to Ellie in person or on the phone, and Ellie felt a change when it would pain her more than she imagined to see Ashley cry. Neither of them could explain what was happening, but both of them were happy with the way things were. 

"My mom's just leaving the post office right now, so she'll be here in, like, 2 minutes," Ellie said regarding the phone call she had just made.

"So soon?" Ashley inquired disappointingly, "I wish you could stay longer."

"I know. Especially because my mom is going to kill me if she finds out we didn't go to sleep," Ellie replied.

"Uh!" Ashley reacted, pretending to be insulted, "That's the only reason you want to stay longer?"

"And so we can spend more time together - but you know that," Ellie recovered, again surprised at how Ashley could make her express what was on her mind without having much reservation.

Ashley laughed and Ellie smiled in return. "Yeah, I guess I do know that. I just wanted to hear you say it."

The two smiled coyly at one another before Ellie reluctantly stood from the bed. "Will you help me take my stuff downstairs?"

"Sure," Ashley said, taking the majority of Ellie's belongings herself and heading for the stairs.

Once they reached the bottom, Ellie looked out the window just as her mom was pulling in.

Ellie slightly grumbled. "My mom's here. I don't want to leave."

"I don't want you to leave, either," Ashley said.

Both girls paused to put Ellie's bags on the floor and hug, simply at first, but then evolving into something more. Mrs. Nash's car horn quickly interrupted their embrace, and Ellie picked up her bags.

"I gotta go," Ellie said, turning towards the door.

"Okay, call me when you get home," Ashley said.

"I will," Ellie replied, "Bye."

"Bye," Ashley said, gently placing her hand against the door for a moment where Ellie had just been standing. She then took the cordless phone off the jack, went upstairs to her room, and fought her sleep deprivation to wait for Ellie's call.


	2. I'm Not Gay

_**"You" - Chapter 2 - "I'm Not Gay"**_

Ellie's head now rested on her own pillow, this time laughing harder than she had in a while and enjoying it. Ashley, who was on the other end of the phone she was holding, had just told one of her stories, complete with voices, and she was laughing, too, mainly because Ellie was laughing so hard, and that naturally made her happy. 

When Ellie finally regained normal breathing, she said, "That was the hardest I've laughed in a long time."  
"Me too," Ashley agreed, "My sides hurt from laughing so hard."

"It's taken a lot for you to loosen up. I'm proud of you," Ellie remarked with quiet sincerity.

Ashley's heart warmed immensely. "Well, it's safe to say I didn't do it alone, Ms. Nash," she began, "And, hey, you've been doing better, too. I notice every day."

"Well, it all just came down to knowing that I didn't need Sean to be a good person," Ellie paused, "You helped me realize that."

Ashley again smiled, but wasn't about to take all the credit for Ellie's unbelievable strength. "Well, you did it a lot quicker than most people. You never cease to impress me."

"Thanks, Hun," Ellie replied, touched, but surprised at how Paige-like she sounded. She yawned, "I'm so tired."

"Aww, then get some rest. I don't want you to be tired."

Ellie groaned. "I can't fall asleep. Will you sing me something?"

Ashley laughed, embarrassed. "What?"

"I love your voice," Ellie explained, "It calms me. So, will you?"

Ashley wasn't really sure what to say, but she'd have a hard time saying no. "What do you want me to sing?"

Then, Ashley heard a knock outside her door. "Hold on," she said to Ellie, "What?" she questioned the knock.

Without warning, Toby opened Ashley's door and entered without permission. Ashley, more than a little annoyed, replied, "Ever heard of knocking?"

"I did, and you've been on the phone with Ellie for 2 and a half hours," Toby said, unnecessarily loud as usual.

"So? What's it to you?" Ashley asked, wanting to continue her conversation with Ellie.

"So, I need the phone. Kate says I get it," Toby retorted.

"Fine," Ashley said to Toby, "Ellie, Toby needs the phone, I need to go."

"Oh, okay," Ellie said, disappointed that they had to hang up, but knowing that they'd talk soon, "I'll call you when I wake up from my nap. You should rest, too."

"Okay. I'll talk to you then. Sleep well," Ashley finished.

"You, too. Bye," Ellie said as she hung up.

"Bye," Ashley firmly handed Toby the phone. "Bye," she repeated, this time to him.

Toby rolled his eyes. "Next time use your cell before another multi-hour phone call to your little girlfriend," he said, moving to the door to exit.

Ashley, who was taken aback by his comment, quickly blocked the door before he could leave. "What did you just say?" she interrogated angrily.

"You heard me," Toby said, misunderstanding the direction of her question, "It's not fair for you to -"

"My girlfriend? What, do you think just because my dad's gay, I'm gay, too?"

"Ash, I - "

"Ellie's my friend," she stressed, "We're close, big deal! How would you like it if I said you and J.T. were gay?"

"It was a joke! Chill out!" Toby snapped as he started to leave.

"Then don't ever call me that again!" Ashley yelled as she slammed the door behind him.

Suddenly, she was overcome with tears, and she ran over to the bed, burying her face into her mattress. Through her tears which now became sobs, she whispered, "I can't be gay… I'm not gay" to herself, and then eventually just cried herself to sleep.


	3. Stumped

_**"You" - Chapter 3 - "Stumped"**_

The following day at school, Mr. Simpson was absent, leaving Mr. Raditch to cover first period Media Immersion until a sub could arrive. Raditch gave the kids a free period, which was surprising, since he appeared to be in no great mood. He even made Paige and Ashley switch seats so that Ashley and Ellie would stop talking. When Ashley messaged Ellie via computer and told her that she was working on some new music, Ellie decided to do some writing of her own. She had never really given it a try until Ashley encouraged her, and she was surprised at how much of a creative release it truly was.

She had observed the gifted poetic license that Ashley and other student poets possessed, and didn't even try to match them. She simply wrote what she felt, and as her eyes fell upon Ashley across the room, she was suddenly hit with inspiration:

_When we're together, I feel perfect  
When I'm far away from you, I fall apart  
All you say is sacred to me  
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away  
As we lay in stillness  
You'll whisper to me_

_Baby, be with me  
Promise you'll stay with me_

_Oh, you won't have to ask me  
You know you're all that I live for  
You know I'd die just to hold you  
Stay with you  
Somehow I'll show you_

_That you are my night sky..._

And then she was stumped. She tapped her fingernails lightly on the keypad and waited for more words to come. On her left, Paige, who had now been upgraded to mutual friend of hers, rested her head on Ellie's shoulder.

"Is this class ever going to end?" Paige began to drone on, until Ellie's word document caught her eye, "What's this?" Paige leaned closer to Ellie's monitor and grabbed the mouse.

Ellie exhaled, half exasperated, half knowing what to expect since it was Paige. "Paige, must you invade my privacy?"

"What are friends for, Hun?" Paige said, raising an eyebrow and smiling Ellie's way.

Ellie shook her head and decided not to even bother stopping Paige from reading her poem. It might cause a bigger scene that way. But just then, her train of thought was interrupted by a question from Paige.

"Still hung up over Mr. Cameron, are we?"

"What makes you think it's about Sean?" Ellie asked, rather defensively, "Or even a guy at all?"

"Hun, if it's not about Sean, it's about some guy! There's no way anyone could read this and say it's not completely a love poem. So, who is he?"

"Paige, shut up," Ellie said casually rather than with conviction. Paige simply rolled her eyes and went back to playing her computer game.

While Ellie didn't often give too much emotional regard to Paige's remarks, to her it was more than ironic for someone to finally comment on what she had been throwing back and forth in her head for months now. Ellie knew she was straight, but she was wondering if her feelings for Ashley were growing to a point beyond friendship, and if that was even possible.

Just then, another Instant Message from Ashley appeared on her screen. It read, "Don't think so hard that you'll hurt yourself over there, Dummy ;)." When Ashley laughed and stuck her tongue out at Ellie from across the room, causing her to laugh, too, it was all more of a confirmation to Ellie that Ashley was winning her heart.


	4. Signs

_**"You" - Chapter 4 - "Signs"**_

Ashley sat in her room, desperately trying to find something to keep herself occupied so it was no longer her alone with her mind. Ellie had promised Marco they could spend some time together while Dylan was away at a hockey tournament, and after Ashley had done all of her homework, worked on 2 new songs, and cleaned her room, she was still feeling restless. Paige and Hazel had a double-date with Spin and Jimmy, so she had no excuse or means of getting out of the house and getting her mind off of everything.

She sat at her desk and turned on the radio. The first song reminded her of when Ellie tried to figure out the guitar part to it on her bed and ended up breaking the B string. She changed the station and remember it had been playing the night Ellie came over after Sean had broken up with her and how she fought tears for an hour until they became inevitable. Frustrated, she shut off the radio and lay down on her bed. But even that reminded her of Ellie when her eyes found the black nail polish stain that she had left by accident. Ashley sat up, resting her face in her hands, and wondered what to think, what to feel, but mostly what to do. She knew that Ellie was the most important person in her life, and that she made her happier than anyone she could think of. But was it really that simple? Sexuality was a confusing topic in itself, let alone when it came to suddenly changing it. She was scared and confused, and decided to just look for a sign. Ashley always relied heavily on signs and omens and decided to let this time not be an exception.  
Ashley dozed off to sleep for a bit to clear her head.

When she woke up, she walked over to the mirror and started contemplating whether or not she liked her current hairstyle, or when it was shorter better. She held the scissors in her hand just as an idea when her mom walked in.

"Oh, Ashley, please tell me you're not going to cut your hair again!" Kate exclaimed, frustrated.

"Why?" Ashley asked, a little thrown off-guard, "You didn't like it?"

"Ashley, it's not that, it's just I'm not sure I'm so comfortable with all of these constant changes. And significant changes at that. I just don't want you to lose sight of who you are."

Ashley paused. "I know, Mom. Thanks."

Kate was surprised by her civility instead of an attitude, but decided to just go with it and exit quietly. But now Ashley was convinced; despite what she felt, any romanticism between she and Ellie had to be over.


	5. Deception

_**"You" - Chapter 5 - "Deception"**_

"Ellie!" Marco exclaimed, jumping in the door and wrapping his arms around Ellie in a giant hug. Ellie smiled softly and returned the hug, glad to see Marco again, and anticipating what he would say when she told him her recent feelings.  
"Come on in. We can hang out in the basement until dinner," Ellie said.

Marco exchanged greetings with Ellie's mom and then went to the basement. She let him flush her with details of his life for the past several weeks, including his relationship with Dylan, just so she could have that all covered before her breaking news. She was glad to have a friend that would understand completely.

"So, what's been going on with you, lately? You have a new guy in your life?" Marco asked, smirking.

Ellie looked up at him, confused. "No! Why does everyone keep asking that?"

"Okay, I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but Paige asked Dylan to ask me if I knew if there was a possible mystery man in your life and if so who it was. Paige said she saw you writing poetry. Come on, El - you? Poetry? It's gotta be love!"

Ellie swallowed hard and figured now was as good of a time as any. "Well, you may be right on that one. And I've been waiting to tell you this for a while. I mean, you'll always be my friendly soulmate, and Sean and I had a lot in common, but this is - this is so different. Like, this is the first time a relationship has made me feel different. And different in a good way. You know, just, chronically happy. I was confused at first, and still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I have a stronger feeling that this is for real."

The suspense was just about killing Marco. "Well, who is he??"

Ellie exhaled somewhat deeply. "She, actually. I don't know if it's love as in 100 true, in-love, love, but Ashley and I are definitely becoming more than just friends. Right now, she's like... my world. I don't know if I'm in love with her, but I know I love her, and it's a special kind of love."

Instead of the smile and hug that Ellie expected, Marco stared at her blankly. "Ashley. As in Ashley Kerwin? Ashley Kerwin the female?"

"Uh, yeah... why are you being so weird?" Ellie asked, suspiciously.

"What are you thinking? Are you even thinking?" Marco inquired angrily.

"What? So, I like Ashley, as in the female. You're dating Dylan, as in the male. How is this any different?"

"Because you're not gay, and you shouldn't be pretending that you are! You know, it's people like you that give gay people a bad rep and make people think we're nothing but a bunch of confused idiots!"

"People like me? What the hell..."

"Small-minded people who don't know any better just assume that gay people got that way because they made a choice.. you know, decided to live life on the wild side, and that's why they don't understand all the crap that we go through. They think this is just some lifestyle we've bestowed upon ourselves to be experimental, or promiscuous, or what have you. I never understood why, but how can they not think that when people like you and Ashley go from being straight to gay overnight?"

"Marco, it's not that simple..."

"You're right. It's not. But you're making it that simple. You're interfering with the generalization of those of us who don't have a choice. I can't just choose to be straight. There are times that I would if I could, but it doesn't work that way. So, on behalf of all the other real gay people out there, do us a favor, and don't make it seem like sexuality has an on/off switch." 

Marco stormed out, leaving Ellie shocked and feeling more alone than ever. The one person she expected to be on her side just turned on her for a stupid reason. Or was it? Ellie began to replay his words in her head over and over again, and wondered if she was wrong about Ashley all along. She reached for her compass as a release, but then remembered that she and Ashley had worked past that. The only thing she could do at the moment was dig her fingernails into her pillow and fight the tears she knew would come soon enough.


	6. All That Matters

_**"You" - Chapter 6 - "All That Matters"**_

Ashley fixed her hair as she ran to the door, knowing it was Ellie. They hadn't seen in each other in two days, and to both girls, it felt like an eternity. They exchanged greetings and briefly hugged, sitting on the couch at an awkward distance until Kate, Jeff, and Toby entered the living room from different locations in the house.

"Okay, so the movie is about 2 hours, and then we're going out to eat. Are you sure you girls don't want us to bring you back some food?" Kate asked, putting on her coat.

"Yeah, I'll just make us some pasta. We'll be fine," Ashley said.

"Okay, girls, be good. We'll see you when we get in," Kate said, exiting with Toby and Jeff.

Ashley raised her eyebrows. "Be good? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked Ellie suspiciously, once her family had left.

"I don't know," Ellie began, "Don't burn the house down, don't run with scissors - you know, the standards."  
Ashley blushed slightly at her eagerness to assume that everyone around her was figuring out her feelings for Ellie and judging her because of them.

"Sorry. I've just been acting weird lately," Ashley commented, looking down.

"I know the feeling," Ellie said, quietly.

There was a brief pause between the two of them as if all the thinking they had been doing changed the dynamic of their relationship. Ashley stood from the couch. "Do you want a drink?"

"Do you have any...?" Ellie began to ask, but Ashley cut her off, knowing what she was going to say before she said it.

"Yeah," Ashley smiled, "I'll go pour you some."

Both girls' heads were flooded with all of the questions that had been racing through their heads lately concerning their relationship. Amidst the doubts and worries, both of them knew they couldn't ignore the feelings they had for one another at the pit of their stomach. Ashley was hoping that if she considered their relationship to be only a friendship, then no one would have to be confused or worried. She was completely naïve to the fact that such a charade could completely destroy what they had. But Ellie knew that things weren't that simple, and if that the two started distrusting their relationship, that everything would change, and she wanted nothing of the sort.

Ashley re-entered the room with two raspberry lemonades to find Ellie sprawled across the length of her couch. Ashley placed the drinks on the coffee table and playfully squeezed Ellie's knee. "Way to take up the whole couch, loser," Ashley said jokingly.

Ellie smiled back and tapped her lap. "Here, sit with me."

Ashley took a deep breath and went to practically lay down on top of Ellie, as they did many times before, resting her head on Ellie's shoulder. When Ellie's fingers began running through her hair, causing her to be very comfortable and relaxed, she sat up quickly. "I can't - it's - I can't get too close."

Ellie sat up, scared of where the conversation was going to go, but disguised her fright with defensiveness. "Too close? To me? Ash, we're best friends in case you've forgotten!"

"Best friends now, but we both know it's becoming more than that. Don't tell me you don't feel it," Ashley said, her blue eyes desperately scanning Ellie's for an answer.

"I - I know," Ellie began softly, "But we can't just ignore it and hope for the best, because that's going to tear us apart. I may not understand what's going on between us, but I know I can't lose you as a friend. Think of everything that's come out of our relationship. Both of us got past really hard break ups, you stopped being obsessively self-conscious..."

"You've stopped cutting," Ashley interrupted, "I've even had to stop checking your wrists, because I knew I didn't have to worry about it anymore."

Ellie's eyes averted Ashley's and her pale cheeks became pinker as she fiddled with her bracelets. Ashley swallowed, praying that she wouldn't see what she thought she was going to see on Ellie's wrists.

"Or do I?" Ashley asked, the hurt and worry apparent in her voice.

Ellie's eyes looked as if they were filling with tears as her hands went to pull up her sleeve before Ashley had to do it herself. Ellie revealed 4 or 5 large cuts on her left arm. Ashley gasped and tears began to fall from her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand. The tears that were built up in Ellie's eyes began to fall, as well, and she put a trembling hand on Ashley's.

"You should have come to me!" Ashley said, the guilt evident in her voice, "If I were a real best friend, I would have been able to stop this."

"No!" Ellie exclaimed, her eyes wide, "This isn't your fault."

"Then why?" Ashley whispered, her eyes pleading for an answer.

Ellie inhaled deeply and her tears began to fall at an increasing rate. "I did it because I thought I was going to lose you."

All Ashley could do was pull Ellie into a hug, and then laid down, pulling Ellie nearly on top of her, this time Ellie resting her head on Ashley's shoulder. The two sat in relative silence, holding each other and letting their tears mingle. Ashley massaged Ellie's scalp with her nails, and Ellie softly ran her fingertips over Ashley's stomach, causing her breathing to hasten.

Ashley shifted so that she could hold Ellie's left arm, and once she could, she brought it up to her lips and softly kissed each of Ellie's scars, all of the love inside of her radiating to Ellie. When they looked into each other's eyes another time, it was as if a magnetized force drew them together as their lips met in their first kiss. Both of them were thrown at first, overcome by the anticipation and how good it really did feel, but soon their kiss deepened, Ashley's hands holding Ellie's face, and Ellie wrapping her arms around Ashley's waist.

As their kiss broke after what seemed to be eternities later, Ashley exhaled deeply. "Wow. I've been waiting to do that forever now."

Ellie was touched, her eyes almost filling with tears again. "I know. Me too. But now it all comes down to whether or not we think it's worth it or not."

"Of course I think it's worth it! You're worth everything to me, El. I hope you know that."

Ellie paused. "Then what's holding us back?" she asked with more genuine questioning than trying to make a point.  
"I think if you're feeling anything that I am, we're just confused and... yeah. I don't know, it's a very weird situation."

"I guess," Ellie started, "But feelings are confusing, point blank. I'm sure people are going to say things and stare, and I know I don't understand how I've never been attracted to girls and suddenly I want to be with you, but the last thing is the only important aspect. I want to be with you. That's all that matters."

Ashley's eyes became soft and while only a small grin spread across her face, on the inside, she was ecstatic. "I want to be with you, too. I want you to be my girlfriend," Ashley said, relieved at the fact that even the blunt phrasing of the statement she just spoke was not at all hard to come to terms with. "So, will you?"

Ellie smiled wider than she had in days and threw her arms around Ashley's shoulders, tackling on her back once again and kissing her deeply. When their kiss broke and they looked into one another's eyes, they both knew the answer.

"I need to do something," Ellie said suddenly, standing from the couch and grabbing her saddle bag.

"What?" Ashley asked, confused.

Ellie pulled out a notebook that she had copied the poem she was writing in media immersion onto. She finally had the inspiration to finish and edit it. She made Ashley turn her back for two minutes or so while she finished and perfected it, then asked Ashley to read it aloud.

_You  
Written by: E. Nash_

_When we're together, I feel perfect  
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart  
All you say is sacred to me  
Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away  
As we lay in stillness, you whisper to me:_

_Baby, be with me  
Promise you'll stay with me_

_Oh, you don't have to ask me  
You know you're all that I live for  
You know I'd die just to hold you  
Stay with you  
Somehow I'll show you_

_That you are my night sky  
I've always been right behind you  
Now I'll always be right beside you_

_So many nights I cried myself to sleep  
Now that you love me, I love myself  
I never thought I would say that  
I never thought there'd be you_

After she finished reading, Ashley's eyes again filled up with tears, as she drew Ellie towards her, and the two held each other until Ashley's family came home.


	7. Never Thought There'd Be You

_**"You" - Chapter 7 - "Never Thought There'd Be You"**_

Ashley had the first three periods to prepare herself for the big day that she and Ellie had ahead of them. Ellie had a doctor's appointment in the morning, and Ashley was taking a deep breath at her locker.

Suddenly from behind her, Ashley felt Ellie's arms wrap around her waist. Obviously knowing who it was, Ashley turned around to face Ellie and smiled.

"Hey, you," Ashley said, happy to see Ellie, "How was your appointment?"

"Eh, doctor-like. But I'm glad to see you," Ellie said, smiling shyly.

"You too, Sweetie," Ashley said. "It's 4th period. Do you have your chem stuff?"

"Damn, I don't. Do you have your chem book with you right now?"

"Sure," Ashley said, pulling it out of her bag and handing it to Ellie. Ashley had math that period, and they walked to the door of Ellie's chemistry class. Ellie caught the nervousness in Ashley's eyes and stopped where they were.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?" Ellie asked, quietly.

"I am," Ashley said, firmly.

"Because if you're not sure, then we don't have to..."

Ashley interrupted Ellie by grasping her chin and kissing her. Their first kiss broke, and they kissed again, becoming wrapped up in their love for one another. From every which way around them, Marco half-smiled and nodded; Paige raised her eyebrows in surprise; Jimmy and Spinner whispered and laughed; but all of those things were shut out as they allowed themselves to be blinded by the passion that they both knew would outlast it all.


End file.
